Friday, April 20, 2012

Four years......

This post is a few days old - should have been posted April 16th but I wasn't able to post here on that day. So, here it is.....

Four years ago....I was scared for my baby's life and for my own.
Four years ago....I was thankful to be pregnant.
Four years ago....I had no idea stuff like this actually happened to people.
Four years ago....I wised up faster than I thought possible.
Four years ago....I prayed. I cried. I prayed while I cried.
Four years ago....I tried my best to put my brave face on.
Four years ago....I realized my dreams for my baby boy had drastically changed.
Four years ago....I still dreamed about the little baby I loved but had never seen.
Four years ago....I had a huge life lesson in the preciousness of life.
Four years ago....I was grateful for everyday I had.
Four years ago....I wondered what God was doing. Didn't he care about me? My baby?
Four years ago....I clung onto Him with everything I had.
Four years ago....

I've been feeling a bit 'off' the last few days. It's not something I've vocalized to anyone but it's been there nonetheless. This time of year always makes me edgy and emotional. It's hard to think about the events that led up to me being in the hospital - those long hard weeks, the ups and downs and scary moments. It is still hard for me to accept the fact my body failed both me and Elliot. I hate that he had such a rough start to his life. I know his start wasn't as rough as it could have been had he come that crazy day in April. Mostly this time of year is emotional because I know it very well could have been the time we said good-bye to Elliot before even getting to know him. At 25 weeks it's kind of a toss up on whether or not you have a good outcome. I'm grateful the nurses, doctors and staff at United/Children's were up front and honest with us about the road ahead. As hard as it was to be in that hospital I'm grateful for every single day my body was able to help Elliot develop. Granted, my body was a bit of a hostile place for him but still better than a lonely little isolette. Four years ago I took pregnancy for granted. We hadn't planned on getting pregnant when we did so obviously the actually conceiving part wasn't hard for us. I was finishing up school and getting ready to graduate. I wasn't thinking that much about being a mom yet. That was something for me to think about after the middle of May. After graduation. After we moved. I went from student mode to full on Mommy mode immediately. It took awhile for the seriousness of April 16 to sink in but as it did the gravity of the situation we were in weighed down. As I've watched Elliot grow and blossom I've always reflected back on what could have been. I know. I know. I should just let it go and be thankful he is who he is today & that we didn't have a micro-preemie. But, thinking about 'what could have been' always brings me back to place of thankfulness. A place of contentment. My baby boy is here. He is alive. He is growing. He is thriving. He is hilarious. He drives me nuts. He is so sweet. He is my Elliot and I wouldn't change him for the world.

So, April 16 is always a hard day for me and I think it probably always will be. It doesn't seem like it could possible be four years already. It feels like yesterday & I can recall moments from that day so vividly it is frightening. I actually checked the calendar and counted on my fingers to make sure I had calculated right. But, yes, it has been four years. My first baby will be four in eight short weeks which also means my youngest babies will be one nine days prior. Whoa......that's a whole different brand of emotional!